


Safe in Selfishness

by N4rciss1st



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Endgame Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, F/F, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Kara cries a lot, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena cries a little bit, SuperCorp, post-reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-10-28 16:17:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20781470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N4rciss1st/pseuds/N4rciss1st
Summary: Kara can’t leave Lena alone, even though she knows she has broken everything they built together. Lena gives her a chance to explain herself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo, this is another “Kara gets to explain why she lied to Lena” dealio. It seems to be all I can write in the lead up to season 5, so enjoy. 
> 
> Any spelling/grammar mistakes are my own.

Kara felt disgusted with herself. She tried to stay away but all she wanted was to see Lena. She listened to her heartbeat every night as she lay awake in her bed, that in itself felt voyeuristic and disrespectful. She couldn’t help it though because Lena was the only person that could calm her racing mind and heart. She was the one person who truly knew Kara deeply, the one person who she would do literally anything for, and other than Alex, she was the only person she loved unconditionally. She had screwed everything up, she lied to hold on to the one thing that made her feel wanted, special, needed and loved and in the end, it bit her and she lost it anyway. 

It was well past midnight, she knew Lena would be asleep so she flew close by and tuned into her heart again. Louder now and the soft snores and sleep induced whimpers making Kara’s heart ache. She wished to hold Lena, soothe her mind as she slept. To gently stroke her beautiful hair and lace their fingers together as they sleep, safe and sound....and together. Kara’s eyes fill with tears as she thought about how that possibility has been completely obliterated now by her own doing, her own stupidity. 

She touched down as silently as possible on Lena’s apartment balcony. She knew this was too far, she knew that this was stepping over a boundary. It was not only creepy but a complete and utter invasion of Lena’s privacy and trust...again. Kara couldn’t listen to sense when her heart ached just to lay eyes on Lena, to see for herself that she’s okay, that’s she’s getting enough sleep, that she’s eating properly and not completely working herself to the bone. Kara tucked herself into the corner of the balcony, setting herself on the ground in the safety of a shadow. 

The sound of a racing heart and a tightly clenching jaw woke her. She didn’t remember falling asleep but when her eyes open she’s faced with a very clearly angry Lena Luthor, standing barefoot on her balcony staring at her, sure anger etched into her face. 

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Lena spoke first. Kara was sure she could see disgust in her eyes. She couldn’t blame her. 

“I’ll never be able to do that, Lena.” Lenas arms folded harshly across her chest. Kara stood and looked over the city, the sun just barely rising, then back at Lena. “You know I can’t do that.” She whispered, feeling the tears spring to her eyes. Lena let out a frustrated chuckle, tightening her arms and looking down at her feet. 

“You know when I saw you here, my first reaction was concern...” Kara chewed her lip nervously, the new mannerism replacing the usual urge to fiddle with her glasses. Her suit felt tighter now, she almost couldn’t breathe when Lena’s eyes flicked up to hers. “I’m so used to feeling protective of you, Kara, but now...now I just feel sorry for you.” The words hit Kara like a ton of bricks, like a thirty foot tall alien had grabbed her and flung her across the city into a building. It hurt more than that for sure. 

“Lena...I-“ 

“You what? You’re sorry? Because that’s all you ever seem to be able to say.” Lena stepped back and turned to go inside. “Either give me a good reason that you lied to me, betrayed me, broke me and made me lose the person I trusted most in this world or get off my balcony.” Tears fell from Kara’s eyes in streams now. Her heart hurt so much at Lena’s words. 

“You know I never, ever wanted to hurt you, Lena. You have to know that.” Lena was silent, Kara sucked in a deep breath through her tears. Her body shaking as she gathered her thoughts and tried to find the words. Lena shrugged. 

“Maybe. Doesn’t change anything.”

“No. You’re right. I wish I could give you this long winded and detailed answer, all the reasons you probably have already thought I’d give you, all the nonsense of “it was for your own safety”, but my reasons were all entirely selfish.” Lena leant back against the glass of the full length window and closed her eyes. Kara couldn’t gauge her expression so she pressed on. “There was no malice behind why I didn’t tell you, Lena. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you, it wasn’t because of your last name, it wasn’t because Alex and the DEO told me never to reveal myself. It was because I love you.” Lena’s eyes opened at those words and she looked to Kara. Kara didn’t fault, she kept her eyes trained on Lena and took a tentative step toward her. “You’ve been nothing but kind and encouraging, you inspired me to be the woman I wanted to be, you are so good, Lena. Your heart is ten times the size mine will ever be and your soul is so pure.” 

“Kara...” 

“No, please...let me finish.” Kara took another deep breath and Lena unfolded her arms. “The day I met you, I felt something so deep inside of me. I felt this deep seated connection to you, it felt cosmic. I know that this probably sounds insane but it’s the only way I can describe how you make me feel.” Kara couldn’t look at her now, her tears had slowed to match the slight rise of the sun, now peeking out just behind the buildings of National City. “I needed to keep that all to myself because I had never felt that with anyone, not on Krypton and not on Earth until I met you. I needed you to see me, I needed you to want to be around me as Kara Danvers, because I had this weird jealousy inside me that Supergirl brought out. Like if you knew that I was Supergirl, that’s all you would see me as and Kara would fade into the background and be useless.” Kara wipes at her eyes, she felt a weight shift in her chest. “And then I fell in love with you.” Kara’s eyes locked with Lena’s, her face beet red but now was not the time to be coy. “By that time I already knew it was too late, that you would hate me if you found out, it had been too long.” 

“I don’t hate you.” Lena said softly. Kara sighed in relief, she knew that wasn’t forgiveness but knowing that Lena didn’t hate her was helpful anyhow. 

“I laid awake every night for months thinking about how to tell you, hundreds of scenarios and I hoped that I would get the courage to tell you the next day or the next. The thought of losing you, Lena...it’s heartbreaking. But I did that, I did that to us both.” Kara was surprised when Lena walked straight up to her, her arms wrapping around Kara’s middle and pressing her body to hers fully. Kara’s arms immediately wrapped around Lena’s shoulders, her cheek gently pressed the top of her head. 

“Do you know how hard it is to stay away from you, Kara?” Lena says, her cheek pressed into the symbol on Kara’s chest. 

“If it’s anywhere as hard as it is to stay away from you, then yes.” Lena shook her head and pulled away to look into Kara’s eyes. 

“I sold CatCo, I got a new phone number...I even thought about buying a house outside of the city, moving out of this apartment...to deter myself from seeing you, texting you, calling you. I wanted so bad to hate you but I couldn’t. How could I hate you when you’re the only person I’ve ever loved? I was angry, and hurt and confused but I couldn’t bring myself to hate you.” 

“Please, Lena. Let me make it up to you, I’ll do anything. I need you.” Kara began to cry again, Lena tugged herself against her, holding her tight. 

“Don’t lie to me, ever again.” Kara shook. 

“I won’t, Lena. Believe me, I’ve learnt my lesson a thousand times over.” Lena pulled away once more, taking Kara’s face in her hands. 

“You’re in love with me?” Lena asked, her eyes forming tears of their own. 

“Yes.” Kara wiped Lena’s cheeks with her thumbs as they stared into each other. 

“Please don’t hurt me again.” Lena’s voice shook with emotion and Kara almost couldn’t bare it. “I love you.” 

Lena’s lips touched Kara’s and she felt like she could explode, her heart felt like it was given new life. It thudded heavily against her ribs as she kissed Lena back thoroughly. Lena’s hands threaded through Kara’s golden locks and pulled her closer and closer. 

“I love you so much.” Kara said, between kissing and breathing. Lena pulled away and Kara’s heart danced at the slight smile she found on Lena’s face. Lena took Kara’s hand and pulled her toward the door. 

“Come on, I’ll make pancakes.” Kara sighed, everything was going to be alright.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure if I was going to add to this story. It could have definitely stood alone but as I was laying in bed last night, I was thinking about how cute it would be that Lena would make Kara breakfast. It's nothing special and I kind of left it open-ended so if I wanted to, I could add to it.
> 
> I hope you like this little addition. Your comments and kudos are very appreciated ❤️ 
> 
> Also. There’s a little Kryptonese in this, it’s cheesy but cute and probably very very wrong but I tried my best with what the internet gave me 🙂

Kara watches Lena move about the kitchen. Grateful to be there, she’d poured her heart out and begged for forgiveness but she’s sure she hasn’t got it yet. That will take time and work and she’s more than willing to do whatever it takes. Few words have been spoken since their talk on the balcony, now Lena has gone silent and hasn’t looked at Kara at all. She thinks she should break the silence.

They’d kissed and held each other but she can still feel the hurt and anger radiate around the room. She could tell Lena was still processing, understandably, she wanted to reassure Lena that she would never keep anything from her ever again. She’s an open book now, Lena could take anything she wanted and Kara would give it without hesitation. 

“Lena,” Kara says when Lena puts some of the ingredients down on the bench a little too forcefully, her face crinkled in thought and confusion. Lena sighed and steeled herself before looking at Kara. 

“Sorry. I think I’m just focusing on the wrong things.” Lena shook her head and goes back to the pancakes. 

“Hey.” Kara is next to her in an instant, she took the flour packet from her hands and put it down. She grasped both of Lena’s hands, bringing her attention fully to Kara. “Don’t hold back, Lena. Tell me, let’s figure it out while we have the time.” 

“How was I so blind for so long? I have an IQ of a hundred and seventy-two, and I couldn’t deduce the fact that Kara Danvers was Supergirl. I mean it wasn’t as if you make it so difficult.” Kara wasn’t really sure how to soothe Lena at that moment, it’s true and Alex even was sceptical about Kara’s so-called disguise but it did seem to work for the most part.

“Lena, don’t beat yourself up about it. It doesn’t have anything to do with your intellect.” Lena shook her head, still in disbelief. Kara could tell it would take time for her to let it go. 

“Lillian knew, didn’t she?” Kara nodded and Lena scoffed. “Of course. I would have figured she’d have told me. Just to hurt me, you know.” Lena resumed preparing the pancakes. Resumed the silence. Kara kept an eye on Lena, noticing that her face had relaxed a little and was more focussed on the task at hand. “Chocolate chips or blueberry?” Kara smiled and cocked her head, mock offended that Lena would even ask. 

“Uh, chocolate!” Lena laughed and it was the most beautiful sound Kara had ever heard. Each time it was new, despite having heard her laugh hundreds of times before. Making her heart flutter. 

“Of course. I don’t even know why I asked.” Lena said, taking a small handful of blueberries, putting them in her mouth as she took them back to her fridge. Minutes later a large stack of pancakes was pushed in front of Kara at the breakfast bar and she wasted no time eating. Lena knew her so well, she had three pancakes to every one Lena had on her plate. “It makes sense now.” 

“Huh?” Kara asked, mouth full of pancake and syrup. 

“I always wondered where you put all the food that you eat, it makes sense now. Your metabolism.” Lena shrugged and Kara nodded. 

“It’s actually really annoying...” she said, shovelling another syrup-drenched cake into her mouth. Chewing and swallowing. “And expensive.” 

“Yes, must be so annoying to eat as much as you want, whenever you want and still have a perfect body.” Kara heard the sarcasm in Lena’s voice. She rolled her eyes. Not even touching on the comment about her body.

“Have you ever been so hungry that you start to feel like your stomach is going to eat itself and then you?” Lena nodded. “That’s how I feel almost constantly, especially right after flying or using any of my powers really, fights are the worst.” Lena frowned. 

“I can see how that would be annoying.” Lena ate in silence after that, looking over to Kara every now and then, as if she wanted to say something. 

“Ask anything you want, Lena. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” Kara said, sincerely, finishing off the last of her breakfast and giving her her full undivided attention. 

“What’s your real name?” Kara smiled, it wasn’t said in bitterness, like the last time she had asked her that exact question. Her question was soft and curious. 

“Kara Zor-El.” Lena nods, Kara sees her quietly rolling it around in her head. “Zor-El was my fathers name. It’s custom for the wife and child of a man to take the full name...sort of like human surnames.” 

“Makes sense. I wonder then, why the ‘s’ and not a ‘z’? I know Superman coined the logo but you could have picked something different?” Kara just smiled at her, she took the notepad and pen that was haphazardly strewn on to counter to Kara’s left, flipping the page of notes that Lena had obviously written down a day or two ago and settled it onto the counter between them, and began to sketch something. Lena realised it was the logo from Supergirl’s suit. 

“This isn’t an ‘s’- it’s the Kryptonian symbol for hope.” Lena smiled and ran her fingers over it. “It’s also the house of El family crest.” Kara looked at Lena as she touched the paper. “And this,” Kara flipped the page again, slowly drawing out another symbol. Lena watched on as Kara drew what looked like horizontal ellipses next to an underlined infinity symbol and finally, next to that, a circle with just two small dots one on top and one on the bottom of it. Kara stood from the stool, and got a little closer to Lena, positioning the notepad right in front of her, “this is my favourite word.” Kara practically whispered into Lena’s ear.

“What does it say?” Lena asked, her tone curious. 

“Zhao.” Kara heard Lena’s heartbeat pick up, there’s no way Lena could know what that word means. 

“What does it mean?” Lena looked up into Kara’s eyes. 

“Love.” Kara almost melted at the way Lena was looking at her, it was like she was the only person in the world.

“Say something else in Kryptonese.” Kara grinned and thought for a second. Turning the stool for Lena to face her as she stood by the counter. 

“Rraop nahn vrrahdh zrhueiao, Lena.” Kara’s hand fell to Lena’s cheek, running her thumb gently over her cheekbone, her eyes locked on to Lena’s. She could see Lena’s throat bob and she could hear her heart race again. 

“I really wish I spoke Kryptonese right now.” Lena chuckled at herself, bringing her own hand to Kara’s forearm. 

“I said, you are so beautiful, Lena.” Lena’s face flushed and she put her head down, shy all of a sudden. “I can teach you...how to speak Kryptonese? I mean...if you want.” Lena smiled, nodding. 

“I’d really like that.” 

“Me too.” Kara was grinning now, her eyes flicking to Lena’s lips. She wasn’t sure what Lena was feeling, they had professed their love out on the balcony, and they had kissed but Kara wasn’t sure where they stood. She wasn’t sure if she was allowed to just kiss Lena whenever she wanted now. “Can I take you out to dinner tonight?” 

“Yes.” Kara’s heart soared at that. She knew they had a long way to go, she was sure Lena was a long way from forgiving Kara but she knew that they were stepping in the right direction and she wasn’t being exiled from Lena’s life. Kara felt light and it was a damn sight different to how she was feeling the day before. Progress. 

”I have to go, Alex is probably worried about me since I bailed from sister night last night after she fell asleep.” Lena cocked her head to the side. 

”You left sister night to sleep on my balcony?” 

”I didn't mean to sleep on your balcony...but I'm pretty glad I did.” Kara smiled, picking up Lena’s hand and pressing a light kiss to her knuckles, and then to her cheek. She hesitated a little and then finally she pressed a soft kiss to Lena’s lips ”I’ll see you tonight.” Kara said before blurring out to the balcony and zipping off into the air. She was gone before Lena even knew what happened.


End file.
